Time to simplify!
As my chosen career path, I teach people how to bring about balance and well being as a top priority in life. Having struggled for most of my life with varying degrees of anxiety, I can say I have a lot of tools I can share with others on how to healthy and happy, and understand the importance of living from my values as a moral code for a peaceful and fulfilling life.
Yet here I sit totally burnt out on all levels with zero left to give and I am wondering why I didn’t recognise the signs that this was happening?? Actually I did recognise the signs, but I chose to carry on regardless thinking it would be OK. And the crazy thing is, I have so many wonderful things in my life right now that I don’t understand why I have spent most of the day until now having a jolly good cry!!
All my life I have striven to do better, to be the best I can be, achieve more, fulfil my goals, quickly move on to the next ones, gain love and respect, be the best at my job, make my parents proud, give more, be a great friend/partner etc etc and on it goes. I have been trying so hard to get to a place where I have my ideal life where everything is balanced and beautiful. In some respects, this is just a pipe dream as nothing will ever be perfect and I should just learn to accept things as they are moment to moment. However, on the flip side, my life is pretty damn awesome right now. I have a loving and supportive partner by my side, four wonderful step-children that light up my heart, the best relationships with my family that I have probably ever had and some absolutely brilliant friends, and of course my dream job.
So why on earth am I making making my life so complicated that I can’t enjoy what I have right now? Why am I filling up every single slither of time with so many commitments?? What is this compulsive drive in me that needs to achieve?
In my apparent sense of ‘I am not enough’, I have neglected to see that everything is already enough if only I could just stop to enjoy it. The past few years have seen some massive changes in m life and transformations in my interactions with it, yet I have not stopped to appreciate or congratulate how far I have come. I have instead bustled onward, studying hard, collecting more certificates and berating myself for not being this or not doing well at that. Which is actually ridiculous, because the work I do is an art learnt by experiential wisdom - not by intellectualising from text books!
Six years ago, I was working long days in a corporate environment; I was stressed, lonely and burnt out but earned great money. I was single and filled my life with work as a distraction from feeling lonely and to prove I was good enough. I let go of that life to completely transform it into something much more fulfilling and nurturing. Fast forward to present day and my life has changed dramatically. However, I am still working too many hours, studying in my spare time and filling up every last moment of my day whilst also trying to be a supportive partner, step mum, friend etc, and here I am wondering why I feel so totally and utterly exhausted. This isn’t balance, this is me living out habitual behaviours with old conditioning and expecting a different result. The reality is, I have everything I ever dreamed of, I just don’t have the time to enjoy it!
So, my realisation today is, ‘I will never be good enough’ until I let go of that statement.
‘I will never have enough time’ until I accept myself as I am right now and honour my own capacity as a human being.
‘I will be loved’ just as much by those that matter whether I am successful or not (what is success anyway?!). And finally, I will have more to offer those around me if I simply let go of my many commitments and SIMPLIFY my life. That’s where the joy is.